He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
