Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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