She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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