I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
