just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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