what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
