Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
