I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
