youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
