I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
