If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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