i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
