i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
