K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
