SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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