I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
