Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
