On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
