apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
