I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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