So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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