after a month anything with tits is on the radar
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
