i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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