I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
