I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please