My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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