someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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