The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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