yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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