Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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