I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
