just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i love accidental penises.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
