fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
birth control should be required to get into college
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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