This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
This baby is an asshole
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
