Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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