If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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