Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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