I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
