i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
