My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
