i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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