he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
