I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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