I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
