i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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