wanna go halves on a baby?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize