guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Randomize
