she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
