Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
