she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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