I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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