WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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