So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
