My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
