After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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