New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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