Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
