At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
