Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
