FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
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